no man is an island

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee."


John Donne, Meditation XVII

frustration

sometimes i feel so frustrated at myself.  i had a really great morning, but this afternoon i have felt so anxious, so down.  i guess just the fact that i feel bad is sometimes enough to make me frustrated. (i've been working on that.) but the thing that really kills me is, i know if i could just share my grief with someone who really cared, or if i could just cry-- really cry-- i would feel so much relief.  sometimes i would like to blame the people around me for not caring, not asking, not being emotionally available to me.  but after my mom stopped by, i talked to a good friend on the phone, and another friend called and left me a message, i realized-- it's me.  at least in a large part.  i've always thought of myself as such an open person, ironically.  i suppose in many ways i am.  but sharing this burden, opening myself up, becoming vulnerable, letting it out!  this is what escapes me.  i don't have such a hard time hurling a few words at the subject, but the tears are still trapped inside, building pressure.  sometimes i'm most lonely when i'm not even alone.   

balm of gilead

When sore trials came upon you,
Did you think to pray?
When your soul was full of sorrow,
Balm of Gilead did you borrow
At the gates of day?

Mary A. Pepper Kidder

heavy clouds but no rain

this title describes the weather today.  it also describes how i often feel.  my body, dying to break into sobs, but some invisible thing keeping me composed. . . and miserable.  so i count my little tears as blessings when they fall.  i shed two yesterday when i lost something and looked and looked and then prayed and looked some more and still couldn't find it.  at that moment, i was so upset, but dry as a desert.  i wondered how anxious i would have to feel, how terrible it would have to get, before God would have pity on me.  i prayed some more, feeling so pitiful before Him.  then i got up and walked right over to my missing object.  that was when the two tears fell.  i'd almost convinced myself He didn't care.

today one more slipped out.  it was because my sister loves me.  i woke up feeling sick to my stomach, and  couldn't shake it all day.  my sister had been sick this week, too, so i called her to see how she was doing.  i had wanted to offer to take her kids the other day, but hadn't been brave enough.  (her little boys are very active, and my house is only girl-proof.)  but she didn't lack for courage when she found out i felt crummy.  she showed up and loaded up my two little ones, and drove off with five kids aged four and under like it was no big deal.  brave?  that and so much more.  i felt so loved.  enough for it to rain just a little.

doing something

i used to be a big doer.  lately though, doing anything is hard most of the time.  but the everyday, necessary things are the hardest.  cleaning, doing dishes, doing laundry, cooking, shopping, getting out of bed.  (hmm. . . still wonder what my job is?)  however, i've discovered that i don't have such a hard time doing something if that something happens to be unnecessary and creative.  it's almost like the cravings i'd get when i was pregnant.  why watermelon?  i don't know, but i'm pretty sure if i could just get some damn watermelon i'd be feeling a whole lot better!  now it's: draw!  really, draw?  i've never drawn anything better than a stick figure without a nose!  well, guess what?  drawing makes me feel just a tich better.  not always, but sometimes.  also blogging.  also painting pots.  also gardening (but only sometimes).  and i have a hunch there might be other things, too.  i'm not going to go out looking for them, but i have a feeling they might come to me like an unearthly desire for an egg salad sandwich in the middle of the night.

working definitions

patience. not, perhaps, always suffering in silence, or sparing other the knowledge of your trials or emotions, although maybe sometimes, since Christ went as a lamb to the slaughter and opened not His mouth.
                maybe. . . not getting mad at God for letting you suffer.
                maybe. . . trusting Him enough to know that your trials will be for your good and He is trying to make you fit for heaven.
               maybe. . . not trying to snap people out of their suffering, but being willing to be with them in that moment, offering empathy, if possible, or just your presence, if not.
               maybe. . . accepting mortality and imperfection, knowing they will not be our final states.  keeping the goal of walking with the Savior instead of perfecting ourselves in order to receive his grace.
               maybe. . . receiving his grace now.

hope. not, perhaps, always wearing a smile or saying, "it's okay," "i'm okay."
           not, perhaps, just passively "hoping" that things will turn out.
          maybe. . . trusting that things will turn out, not how you want them to, but how God wants them to, if you can trust his vision of the future.
          maybe. . . being willing to suffer now in the hope, or faith, of a better world.
          not, perhaps, seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, but taking a peek through God's spectacles and forgetting what exactly you saw, but trusting the memory.

love. being willing to suffer, to lose, to risk everything dear.
         being willing to sacrifice.
         being willing to be emotionally present and available at all times, especially when it may be inconvenient, or when it may cost you.
         favoring relationships over emotional homeostasis.
         prizing people over an absence of pain or grief.

on pain

". . . When pain is to be borne, a little courage helps more than much knowledge, a little human sympathy more than much courage, and the least tincture of the love of God more than all." (C.S.Lewis, The Problem of Pain, Preface.)